Friday, April 20, 2012

Why I can't seem to get to the post office

I love getting letters.  I always look into my mailbox with this kind of hopefulness (but no expectations) as if it was still the era of sending letters. And I am always thinking to whom I would like to send a letter or a package and I imagine the joy they could have from receiving it. 

Yet when it comes to actually getting that letter written/package wrapped up and then actually going to post office and sticking on a stamp it's such a dread to actually make it happen. 

The post office is right behind the corner. I have a set of nice cards at home. And even some envelopes. 

True, the post office no matter what time of the day I  go  is always crowded. And there is that reminiscence of irrational post-communist era fear that when dealing with public servants you will do something wrong and they will tell you off or say something unpleasant.  Not to mention that horrible sound of post marks being stamped with full force on the envelopes. 

But there must be more to it. Is it about writing the perfect letter? Is about the big decision what to put in the package (it must be perfect after all)?  Is about that impatience ( I will have to wait so long for the letter to reach its destination)? Or maybe because sending letters and packages feels so real, has its own procedure and pace that you cannot control. 

Not that writing e-mails feels any easier, but there is such a difference when you actually write, seal and stamp an envelope. There is a  gravity and solemnity to the whole process that sending e-mails will never have.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Lost in translation

Now that I have started writing this blog, I am writing a lot in English. And it is delightful. However, Polish is still my mother tongue, my first language, the language of my thoughts and prayers. And I have noticed that I do not have many opportunities to free-write in Polish. I translate, I write e-mails and that is all for my Polish.

And then there is French. Writing in French will never be easy, although I have learned to feel this language better. French is crying "when is it going to be my turn? You do not own me enough and you do nothing to do it!"

Choosing the language for this blog was not an easy choice. Shouldn't I be writing in Polish? But I want to write in English. I just do.  Oh, I will never be able to show it to my French-speaking-only  friends... 

I hoped that writing would help me to weave together the different bits of my life. But when it comes to languages they just symbolize the different pieces of my heart that  need translation...

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Blessed time

Even though I am not perfectly spiritually prepared let this be a time  to feel the joy that comes after the sorrow, the hope that comes even when we have no proof.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Ordinary courage

Courage is my word for the year 2012. I was inspired  to  choose the word of the year by

I am not acting very courageously, not yet. But whenever I feel afraid to do even a small thing and I remember that my word is courage this helps me to stay on track. I found this a very powerful exercise. Whenever I consciously remind myself what the word is, then I have the power to act. 

The courage I am seeking  is the "ordinary courage" that Brene Browns talks about in her wonderful books and articles.

The courage to be myself- acknowledge that what I think, what I want, what I feel is important and mine-even if it goes against what other people might think
The courage to take responsibility for what I do  and choose
The courage to be authentic-to say no even if it is easier to say yes
The courage to make phone calls
The courage to let go of relationships, actions, beliefs that do not make me grow
The courage to make decisions
The courage to be the first person  talk to new people
The courage to be the first to reconnect with old friends and acquaintances
The courage to do things without praise and approval 
The courage to carry out my ideas
The courage to ask for feedback
The courage to make requests....

I plant this list here, to watch it grow, to understand  my word for 2012 better. 

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

 The moments we stop to really be with the people we love something grows  in us...

Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Rabbit Hole

The "Rabbit Hole", my Saturday night movie, has turned out completely different than what I thought it would be. I was lured to watch it because of the poster I had seen with allusions to the "Others" and "Sixth Sense". I expected that the film would take me for a journey on verge of two worlds, an intense mix of psychological suspense and thriller.

 But the film doesn't really explore the other reality (although it it becomes an important motive in the story), only gently hints it. There are no stunning plot twists or double personalities. It is not a thriller. Not a mystery.

And yet I cannot say it let me down. There is such an emotional intensity, that is slowly being built up, until the climax.

I watched the drifting apart of Becca and Howie with growing anxiousness. And maybe now that I think about it  for a moment I was in some way irritated with Becca for being cold. I could not entirely connect with her pain through her anger until paradoxically she showed the deep anger, that was at the core of her grief. 

I am not sure I can quite explain the difference between this anger or irritation that is on the surface of things and the one that really shares what is going in inside you. That lets you connect.

It's like with that difference in talking about things  and being heard and sharing. Becca and Howie try talking with each other, they talk with their friends with their family. They try being honest. They seem to be doing the "right" things. Do something. Cope. And yet it seems to just create more distance.

At some point the changes do happen in the film. Heart- to-heart conversations do take place. There is a way to find some relief. To reconnect.

But if you asked me to describe what has to happen to get there, I cannot say exactly.  That's part of the mystery of the film. Of grieving itself.  And I like the way "The Rabbit Hole" portrays that. That is real.

Maybe it's about giving yourself the time and the space to live this time the way you need to, to follow your intuition, even if it seems the way Becca does meeting that young boy. But how do you that so that you don't cut others off?

Maybe it's about keeping constantly ready to reach out they way Howie is, or Becca's mother, to keep on showing love. But how do you do it in a way that you don't find yourself being over nice and blow up in the end because you don't feel cared for?

How to be there for the other person without giving advice, recipes, and yet being authentic--because there are things you want to say?

I think it was a film I needed to see that night.