Thursday, March 29, 2012

On not knowing

Yesterday I had a morning tea  with a dear friend of mine and we ended up talking about whether it is fair/right/proper/normal* not to know what you want to do in life when you are thirty-ish.

*Now that I think about it  I think what we were really asking ourselves was it is nurishing for me not to know  what I want to do with my life? Is it supportive for me? Does it move me forward? Does it sustain me?
If someone looked at the situation from the outside perhaps they might say that  we are both doing things we enjoy doing and we are hopefully good at, we are both working (although perhaps we are not working the regular number of hours a week), we are more less financially independent (although the situation is far from perfect) and yet there is something missing. The general sense of direction. Setting goals. Saying "this is it".

But then as I shared with my friend, there are things we do know. We have had some experiences and we know some of the things we don't want to do. We do know the things we do want to experience and do. We do have some goals. We know what makes us passionate. We know some of things we do well.

So what don't we know? I wonder if we both know what our mission statement is. What we were born here to give to the world. 

And I don't know what is the thing which is the most important thing for me right now.

I don't know if deep down I am okay with giving myself time not to know (because I worry other people are not okay with that). I don't know if I am consciously giving myself this time to find out.

I don't know if I am okay with not being able to define myself with the job I do.

I know some of the things I want to do or achieve, but deep down I don't know if I want them because  there is always that little voice telling me are you sure they are worth it? Are you worthy?