Things shouldn't be like this. I should not be looking at piles of snow mocking me as if telling me there would be no walk with spring in each step, only careful treading on ice. I should not be gasping for a breath of warmth every time I go out....
Only a week ago I had these thoughts in my head. I felt guilty about whining about the weather with every person I met. I didn't think it made anyone better or more optimistic. After all the weather is something we cannot control, then why focus so much attention to useless frustration. And yet there was this nagging feeling of refusal, "I do not want to wait for spring anymore!, I want it now" everything in me screamed. I was surprised to discover the intensity of bitter feelings inside me.
And then a few days ago I found myself in a car coming back from a day trip from another city to Warsaw. It was evening and the people in the car were silent. I think we were somewhere half through our journey and it was that moment when you have discussed the day and drowsiness settles in. I was sitting in the front seat next to the driver and could hear the quiet music on the radio. It was an opera piece. It was snowing, just as it had been all day. I watched the snow flakes fall on the road ahead and I could not but be drawn to their beauty. I had been denying the beauty of winter landscapes for the last few weeks, as if admitting it would mean that I had given up on spring. But there I just instinctively let myself into the music and the rhythm of snow flakes. Something released in me. A wave of serenity came, a deep sense of calmness.
I still feel that kind of calmness about the weather. Does it mean that I don't get irritated about the weather or stopped wishing that spring came? No, absolutely not. I am still yearning for spring and checking out frantically every morning whether some bits of grass have not started to show up. I am irritated with my running nose and cough. I might even continue complaining about the weather with the people I meet.
But something has changed. I allow myself to enjoy the sun rays reflected in the snow and the warmth of teacup held between my hands. I don't feel such a poignant refusal of the cycle of nature. I guess I simply feel better with myself and don't think the world is trying to play an ugly trick on me.
I did not do anything to feel differently and I do not take credit for it. I did not give myself empathy or meditate. It was just one of those moments which come unexpectedly, as a small gift from nature.