Struggling with strength

I have been uneasy about my word for the year "strength". I have been receiving strength when I need it the most. Two weeks ago on Facebook I asked  for some inspirational quotes to make it through a difficult week. I got responses instantly and they uplifted my spirit. 

Yet, having to resolve to strength all the time feels so heavy. Contrarily to what the quote says above, the struggle never seems to end.  Just saying the word strength makes me feel tired. 

Does this mean I have chosen a wrong word? Not necessarily. Alece Ronzino, the founder of Oneword365 writes that if your word doesn’t scare you at least a little bit, it’s probably not the right word. Strength scares me. It scares me because I keep on finding the limits of my weakness and strength being pushed further than I ever thought they could be. 

But I missing  the joy strength could bring, even though I am finding so many things to be grateful for when strength comes to my rescue. 

For this moment strength and I are still negotiating.

Too early for tulips

Tulips are always sold on the streets in March.  They should make me hopeful and joyous, as a sign of spring and lightness in the air. But somehow this year they have made me feel anxious. Why do they appear on stands earlier than on the flower beds? Are these  ground tulips, or are they grown in greenhouses as mass production? Do they artificially satisfy our craving for a change of season?

And then there are the ladies selling the tulips. They look tired and worn out by life, often one stand  near the other. I brought some once for a birthday for my aunt  today and she bargained with me to buy a whole bunch. I wondered if she worked for some big chain and had to sell a sufficient number to make her daily dole. 

Somehow  tulips make me sad this year. 

When February means November

That evening she talked about friendship in ways I had not heard her talk before. I knew she had astounding wisdom and depth of thought, but there was something honest and simple in the way she talked that night. The way she said it was sometimes difficult to open up and that she had needed a touch of friendship. 

There is that important moment in a friendship when you can mock one another gently and it won't be hurtful. She mentioned something that had happened in February but said November instead. She told me she had made that error a few times lately. I joked a bit a few times and so did she. 

It was one of the most beautiful evenings we had together.  Usually when we met we would irritate one another at some point: sometimes I could not break through her flood of words, she can not take some of the things I said in my youthful naivety.  That evening everything was calm and gentle, I hoped to remember it at other times. 

The poet knows

You needn't worry that so many have written about snow
That there is nothing more to say 
There will always be the question if snow glitters or glistens 
At the poetry evening we sat with eyes wide open 
Ready to see the whiteness of the snow like never before

The Orange

We had a working meeting. He put two oranges on the desk and we started talking about business matters. A thought passed through my head that too many times I had bought sweets instead of fruits for a meeting. Usually I would tell myself how hospitable and friendly  it was to treat someone with cookies or cakes.  What if I bought them so that I could satisfy my own craving? And here there those two oranges healthy, shiny so far from my temptation.

When I offered him tea or coffee he did not want any but invited me to have an orange. I had a flash of my childhood when a beautifully peeled orange by Mom was a sign that somebody cared enough for me to arrange the peels so that they reminded of petals of a flower. 

I stayed in the office longer than him.  Upon leaving, he  told me to enjoy the orange.  A small gesture, but it brought me sudden joy, of which he  was probably not aware. Perhaps it was sheer politeness but on that dark, winter evening when I still had to push myself for an hour or more of work, it made me feel the universe cared.  And sent me an orange.

Guiding strength

I used to think strength was something I didn't have. I associated it  with endurance and heaviness. 

As this year begins think of it as something I can have when I need it.  As a resource I have within myself although I can ask for it.  

If I were a tree strength would be like those life juices you can hear if you press your head to the tree bark.

I don't feel strong, but I feel there is strength in me. 

I am also hoping strength will be something which will help me to stay creative and high-spirited. 


 

Lessons from 2013

On leadership

At work I have started to coordinate a few projects  and I am struggling with the sentence in my head "I just wasn't born to be a leader". A long talk with a friend helped me realize that I  don't have to change my whole personality. I can still be an introvert and be delicate, understanding and sensitive. Nor do I have to negate my quiet nature or fearfulness. Leadership or management skills are something I can use if I need them . The lesson I want to  learn is how to make the best use of what I have: empathy, expecting the best of others, positive attitude to people. I also  have a good role model I can draw from. My own boss. He is someone I appreciate for being clear, visionary, and at the same time open to ideas and supportive.

On prayer  

In September I wanted to make it to a training retreat with my friends from my mediation course and a party of my dear friend to honour the birth of his little girl.  At some point problems with my travel started piling up I sat for hours biting my nails thinking I would not make it and let so many people down. I remember how I prayed to find solutions and I received all the help I needed. The experience of the ardour, the focus and the energy on  the intention with which I asked made me feel what prayer really can be. It is not just about asking and getting something, but prayer as something that fills your whole being.  A part of my prayer was gratitude. It was more about the attention, the energy with which I pray. Maybe those dark hours, praying and being heard will help me to really understand and transform the way I pray. 

On trusting my own conscience and intuition
You know that feeling deep inside "this is the right thing to do?" I had it in a very painful and unexpected situation  when it was about revealing something to a family member of a friend and I did not follow this feeling. Although I cannot blame myself for the situation itself or others for advising me wrongly, I take the responsibility for not trusting myself. I would like to be more honest with myself and remember that in the end what counts is the choice I make not what others tell me. 

On friendship and keeping in touch 
 With one of my closest friends going away for studies abroad  I thought that it meant the end of  spontaneous coffees during the week and long chats about everything and nothing. But we continue to have coffee talks on skype, to support one another in our life challenges. Regularly. This won't be possible with every friend leaving or changing their life. But he has shown me that it is possible  to stay in touch if it stays a priority for both people. And I am grateful to him that with us it has.  

On appreciating what I have learned and know  
Taking a second training course in mediation left me excited and anxious. I was not sure if I would be able to shift my perspective or if anything I learned before would be useful. It turned out that I knew many things and could even share them with other people. It does not mean I have less to learn during this course or about mediation, but appreciating the things I can already do and know helps me to feel more positive about myself and trust that all these efforts I have made to learn have not been in vain. 

On reading 
I learned that if I simply put a book in my bag (or a kindle- see below) in my bag and carry it with me I will read so much more, because I will use all these little moments in the metro, in the waiting rooms. I am happier when I read more and I do it regularly. My family thinks I am a devout reader, but the truth is I don't read that much if I don't discipline myself to get books.  Making sure I always have a book in my bag helps me to live a life according to my values, filled with intellectual stimulation and beauty.

On possessions and buying 

I am always weary about  desiring and buying new gadgets and the consumer culture-especially that I am reading more and more about minimalism. However, there are some things that do make my life better and easier.  I dreamed of a kindle and now that I have one I can say that I absolutely love it. It's so easy to read on the public transport, I don't have to print large PDFs, there is not problem with turning pages in gripping cold. And it's small and light and fit's perfectly into a purse. 
 So maybe it's OK to  want some things if they serve a good purpose and I really use them.