Conversations with the heart

This is something I have been thinking a lot in the last years. Unrequited love. 

It can be an act of courage and living from your deepest conviction to care for someone even if  they won't love you back. 

But it can also mean a kind of withdrawal from life and holding back to something that doesn't change. 

It can mean that you have found something so precious that you put loving someone before fulfillment, you trust in your choices and intuition.

On the other hand it might bring your self-worth down to the point to believe "I don't deserve to be with anyone".

Is it unselfish, beautiful and romantic? Or is  it foolish, obsessive, delusional? 

Maybe it's the question how to live this kind of love. How to give that other person the freedom, and at the same time look after yourself, after your heart.  Be faithful to yourself and value your choice, even if the world should say otherwise, but at the same always be ready to question if that's what you really want. 

And the most important question of all: does it make you grow or does it withhold you. 

Miss Representation

When I take the metro I often watch the women around me.  I observe how they are dressed,  their hairstyles  and the look on their faces. Obviously, I think about their age. When I look at a  woman who is younger than me I think "I am never going to  look like her again" and then when I look at an older woman I wonder how will I look at her age.  I think about what shapes beauty and whether it lasts.  Obviously I think of aging.

In a time when older women can be fit,  active and succeed, why should  I be afraid of aging?  As time passes why do I worry about changes if when I think of older women that I know and admire, all I see is their class and grace?...

I started writing this post before attending the Women's Congress in Warsaw on 15 September where I saw the documentary Miss Representation. 

The picture is now sharper to me, I understand more.  The film made me realize to what extent, almost subconsciously, the model of perfect beauty and youth influences me when  I look at myself and other women. 

I could say it's the media that promotes ideals I don't agree with, I could say that I value the heart and the intellect more than the looks (and I do), and I know age is just an etiquette and I would never let anyone judge my professional value on looks but... The truth is that there is always that moment, that incidental slip, that instinctive (though culturally acquired?) look and comparison.  

And I need to be aware of that, embrace naturality and imperfection even more.

Some thoughts on empathy for the "me, myself and I"

                                          

 When I  think of the things this world might need the most, empathy comes to my mind. Empathy is kind of a gentle power (gentle vs. soft which often means simply getting your way in a nicely-coated fashion)- the power to change how we feel in this world, and how we are with other people.

To me empathy is  for example trying to listen to the other person first before making a judgment, or at least noticing the judgment when it comes, and talking to yourself in a loving way. 

I wonder why sometimes being empathic toward yourself is so hard. It's easy to be over-critical ("I always screw up"), it's no so hard to be sympathetic ("Poor me"). 

But it's not so easy being  a gentle observer of oneself: (''Hmm I am not feeling so great right now, because I did something I didn't like, but maybe there is something I could do about this?")

This has been puzzling me, because I have been practicing empathy in many ways and I am becoming acutely aware of situations when my "I-need-empathy-alert" goes on. But empathy seems a gentle remedy, and in situations when my inner critic goes wild or my pity party wailing voices sing, I want to be drugged. "Let's pretend it never happened", "It just doesn't make sense". 

I have felt the positive effects of self-empathy, it calms and soothes  the "me, myself and I" and makes me look around and ahead. But it takes time to absorb it, to learn to talk to myself this way.

So even though self-empathy can be spontaneous, is always there if I take the effort to switch my thoughts and words, but it's not a quick fix once for all, rather something that is (at least for now)  conscious decision and effort.

It's all about the voice

 

Film critique writing workshops in  a little town Sokołowsko earlier this September at Hommage a Kieślowski Festival. I was surprised to discover to what extent writing film reviews  is about the essential  steps of writing process I have been learning about till now- finding your own writing voice, building up your knowledge and inspiration, writing about what draws you in, being brave and honest, taking the risk to write knowing not everyone might like it. We did talk about the structure, dos and don'ts, but that came second. 

It struck me also that being a film critic has all these shades that being a freelancer carries: the struggle for people to notice you, building your own brand, finding your way in the changing market, constant self-development, crossing that magic line between looking for projects and them finding you.

I might not become a film critic, but I recognize the path is so many ways...

Snow White and the Hunstman

As a birthday present one of my best friends took me out to the movies to the see "Snow White and Huntsman". We were actually lured into watching the movie because of the beautiful video "Breath of life" by Florence and the Machine, and it's sombre yet magical poetics. 

Fairy tales are magical. I felt instinctively that I would like this adaptation, and I did (even if it's perhaps nothing more than a Hollywood fantasy with a slight English touch). What struck me  was the feminist portrait of the two women: Snow White and the Queen. So let me a bit sentimental and ponder about them...

We usually see the two characters through the two archetypes: the  innocent maiden and the evil queen. But in this story we learn where the Queen's obsessions come from. She is not all but evil, she is also torn by pain and by the messages that her own mother and the society gave her about beauty. She has all the power in the world, but she does not feel safe. Perhaps it would be a little exaggerated to say that she is a metaphor of a woman with inner insecurities, who relies on the outer world to tell her she is of value, but don't we all sometimes wish for a magic mirror to reassure us?

Snow White is portrayed as a young woman finding her identity. She has to grow up, face her fears and uncertainties. When she runs away from the prison cell where she grew up, confined and in the darkness, yet separated physically of all the horrors of the queen's reign,  to the dark forest, she finds out that freedom has a high price. That she will have to keep on finding courage on and on again. She also faces guilt because people close to her get hurt and die.  In a powerful scene of the final confrontation with the queen, the queen questions her. How does she feel leading all those people to an unknown fate? Will she be able to stab the queen and kill her? 

The thread of the love story is shown very subtly. The hunter is not a perfect prince, rather a broken down man, who needs to be inspired and reawakened by a woman to find his nobleness and bravery.  Even the kiss that wakes her up, is a kiss of desperation, asking for forgiveness that he failed. 

When Snow White stands as the queen on her regained throne, she exchanges a look with the hunter. That is all, but it expresses their understanding, that things are as they should be. He is at her side, but it was her  that led the crowd to victory. 

August break -culinary delights

Joining other bloggers in the August Break fun of sharing those lovely  little summer moments.

                                                          Tastes of  August

 

What is saving my life right now

There are two things saving my life right now, in the midst of this  summer when a part of me just wants to be on vacation, when I am figuring plans for next year, when things haven't slowed down just because it's summer. 

  

Gratitude.  Kind and tender words. 

Gratitude has become a practice for me. I learned this from Ike Lasater, my NVC mediation teacher. It happens usually when I go for my walk, sometimes I sit on a swing in our garden, but sometimes I simply catch a moment on the metro. I recall all the things I am grateful for, that somebody did for me said to me or that I did for myself or for others. Sometimes these are the things that happen without anybody's influence, like the blue sky. I am always amazed how naturally a wave of joy sweeps over me and I suddenly see all the good things in the day. There is no forced  biting the tongue of complaints. Things may still be turbulent and hectic, but I find the pieces that do makes sense. These are the kind words to myself. 

And then there are the tender words that I hear from others. They come unexpected, sometimes it's an e-mail, sometimes a call, sometimes in person. "I am happy to hear your voice", "I understand", "What you said or did the other day was helpful". "I enjoyed your cooking". Sometimes it's just as simple as that. I find myself instinctively waiting for them, I think we all do. It gives hope that what we try to do or be matters. And even if I spend the whole day in front the computer when I hear these things I know I am not alone. 

In writing this post I am joining the invitation of Sarah Bessey  who  was inspired by the question from Barbara Brown Taylor’s book “Leaving Church". I haven't read the book yet, but that one question makes it worth it to be on my reading list.